how to catch an alien.

supplies needed: ten foot rope, a small child, a smaller than the small child, and tricycle pusher attachment.

there are aliens everywhere. the first and most important thing to know, or remember if you happen to be using this post to brush up on your skills, is that different colored aliens live on and in different areas of your yard. the red ones are on the roof and are not an immediate threat, nor are they in immediate danger – more on that distinction later. blue ones live over the fence and are usually top priority. the tree aliens, which are the only aliens not distinguished by color, happen to be green and move around a lot – only worry about them if you notice a mass migration. the last aliens that we have discovered are the brown guys. they live in and around mailboxes. the brown aliens are generally friendly, but be careful once you get them on the “raft”.

now, to catch the aliens. throw the rope in their general area. have small child ready with the tricycle attachment (holding it like a net for the aliens to hop on). next, slowly pull rope towards you. when the rope is four feet from the small child, send the smaller child out to the end of the rope. aliens generally want “big game”, and if they are dangerous aliens, they will leave the smaller child alone – most of the time. have the smaller child pick up the end of the rope, slowly bring it to the small child, and release the aliens onto the tricycle attachment (the carrier). once all aliens are on-board bring them to your designated hospital or holding cell.

important things to remember:

be sure to understand the purpose of your mission before heading out. are you helping aliens in need or capturing aliens that pose a potential threat. the smaller child need not wear bright colored clothes on good will missions. if you are suspicious that the mission may be dangerous; wear bright colored clothes or stain them insanely with lunch before heading out. the bright colors and food stains subdued otherwise aggressive aliens.

a dirty diaper is no reason to abort a mission. in fact, the smell lures the red aliens from the roof to the gutter, making it easier to get them with the rope, or if adult helper desires, they could hold the tricycle attachment.

there are no quick missions and a seemingly great mission could end disastrously if care is not taken by adult human. the smaller child may need to hold the tricycle attachment, small child might not want to hold the rope, aliens may sense the disturbance and band together due to their suspicion of “the human ones”. if this happens: adult human must remove small and smaller child from the area where the aliens may be, put small and smaller child in their holding cells, wash all equipment by himself, pretend that he is capturing the thousands of aliens that escaped while they were arguing, insist that the blue ones turned against us and will only be friendly again if silence is had for one hour, after silence and snack…go back to catching aliens.

feel free to post your alien encounters, captures, good will missions, or anything else alien related.