this blog was started a few days back and finished today. we got home this morning from a nice trip to birmingham. or “bham” as i have seen it written. is there a verbal pronunciation to that? or is it just written short-hand? the mcwane children’s museum is dynamite – shark touching and all. what’s with all the barbed wire downtown? we had a nice dinner in the edgewood neighborhood of homewood, at the restaurant “new york pizza“. seemed like a pretty cool area with shops – both coffee and antique. friendly people. though this state does not seem in short supply of those. another case in point – while standing on oxmoor street in homewood, i asked a guy, who was with his daughter, where he recommended we eat. he didn’t just answer the question, to his liking, but he settled into his stance and we spoke for a good 5 minutes about the area, teaching, and his daughters summer camp in wisconsin. it wasn’t a “i gotta talk to someone, i’m lonely” conversation. he stopped to talk – so that’s what he did.
“yah dad. i’m just going to take a nap.”
every day around one o’clock h. goes down for a nap – usually sleeping until three/three:thirty. during that time a. and i have “quiet time”. two days a week (sometimes three), during this time period, i write this blog – while a. tries desperately to get my attention, and the other three (sometimes two) days a week we play. this pattern is pretty well established, and it works. per usual h. went down for her nap today. i was cleaning up the kitchen, expecting a. to come in with her first plan of “distraction attack”, something like “dad i really really want to learn some math. can we just do that today instead?”, she was silent. hmmm. i finished cleaning up the kitchen. “a. are you there?” “yah dad. i’m just going to take a nap.” what? a nap?, i thought to myself. pause. she caught me way off guard. i should be ecstatic that she wants to rest, knows she needs to rest, and is going to give me 100% quiet time while i formulate my thoughts and write them down (or write down my thoughts and formulate them.). but i wasn’t. i’m not. i’m even more distracted wondering why she doesn’t want to bug me with pleas to help comb barbies hair or open play-do containers. a nap? is being alone better than being with dad? is she really just tired? certainly there is something bigger at play here.
i can be suspicious of people and am typically wary of giving them (another them) the benefit of the doubt. not all people. i feel as though i am a pretty good “judge of character”. it’s the people who i know don’t deserve my trust right away. harsh – i know. does anyone else feel this way? i mean, you kind of just know those people who are not going to take advantage of your kindness or knowingly hurt you. on the flip side. you can tell those people you need to be a bit more cautious with. it’s a look. a laugh. just a feel. have i been wrong? yes, but it hasn’t stopped me from operating this way. i wish i could stop this way of thinking and go into situations feeling that everybody has the best intentions – no strings. i am trying to, and since moving to alabama have been far more open to people and with people. everything in time though. i used to jump into friendships way too strong and think i had to let people know everything about me the first time we met. i now get that relationships, like most things, take time. fortunately we have met good people, but i can’t say it’s easy to let my guard down. i am sure that there have been times that i have been mistaken for having motives. maybe i have had motives – or maybe the result of doing what i was had benefits because it came from a place of good intentions (so says i). have i positioned myself in certain ways professionally and personally to get desired results? yes. you would be foolish to think that the world is going to come to you in either arena, but i don’t think i have acted in a way that was deceitful in order to meet my desired end. i consciously try to stop the why? what? how come? questions that bombard me, from me, when i see/hear something that someone says. r. says “just take it for what it is and move on”. perhaps that is it. taking situations and life too seriously and wanting to believe that everything has some sort of purpose and reason that is going to impact my life. the intensity in which i absorb my situations is exhausting. the problem is that i think everyone should remember every detail of their conversations and dealing with people – if they don’t? well obviously they are purposely omitting something that they don’t want to share. ahh. need to find a middle ground where i am aware of people, but not keeping track of every sentence and thought. this too i have “flare ups” with. less than i used to, i am learning to accept people for what/who they are – if they prove that wrong? it’s on them and i need to deal with myself.
perhaps, it all has to do with becoming more comfortable with yourself. as you settle into yourself – it seems that a whole host of bothers go away. new ones arise. i often question the purpose of removing something that has been a survival technique, and in many ways a darn good one. i envision it like the way spiderman’s webs look and act. his left hand’s web anchored on one building, gliding while the right hand casts its web, it latches on to the next building, your body suspended between two places and that swing in between the old and the new is where the butterfly meals are plenty and you question whether you should go back, dangle and fall, or see what’s around the corner. that was cheesy – but i’m leaving it. especially with all the spiderman news lately.
a. and h. (r. incredibly too) have been the drivers in me realizing that everything doesn’t “come from somewhere” – that some things (ideas, actions, words) just are. they don’t need to be over-analyzed. just taken in and moved on from or put in the appropriate context. i remember times when a. would say things that, if taken in adult context, would be really troubling – she didn’t know what she was saying or doing. she was stringing together words and actions that she has seen, heard, or made-up. today – she just wanted some time alone to sleep. nothing to do with me. i’m going to enjoy it. not spend the next twenty minutes wondering why she wants to nap and why i think that there should be a “why she wants to nap” – wait i just did that. damn.