change. do you have any?
the morning was spent running errands, a welcomed break in the week. it’s nice to drive around talking and listening to the radio while we get things done. a.’s new glasses were ready to be picked up. she is such a little lady. we walked into the store, which she assured me was the right place – “yah dad this is it, totally the right place”,and sat down “where we usually sit when we come in, dad”. the woman who helped her last time, when r. took her, came out of a closet – that’s what it looked like at least and she had a strange look on her face. not a “i just did something weird in there” face. more like “yah i like sitting in closets” face – anyhow. she sat down and a. took over. i wasn’t needed, as they went back and forth about the comfort of the glasses, how beautiful the colors are, the debt ceiling, and the intense need for a lollipop. they both got two. i tried to hold h. to one at a time, but it was just too cute watching her work two at once – each in their own hand. lick right. pause. lick left. pause. lick right and right again nooooow break. a. put the trash in one of those foot opening garbage cans like she had done it a thousand times before, walked out the door, got into the car, buckled herself in, and said go.
we left and went to the bank to deposit their piggy bank money into their savings. a. insisted she sling the bag of coins over her shoulder – which almost knocked her over. we left with our money, they don’t have a change counter so we will package the coins ourselves. we’ll bring our change another day.
a. is growing up. r. and i have noticed a different look in her eye lately. hard to explain. she just looks as if she is understanding the world differently and in turn is acting differently. all good, but definitely hitting a corner with her. slowly they become their own. as i write that there are a few butterflies whizzin’ around in me. we have lots of time, but it makes me realize how important it is to hold onto these days. the days of running through the sprinkler in our underwear. yes, our.
we were driving to the children’s museum yesterday and i noticed a building that i had not before – i then noticed barbed wire and said to myself “that must be a jail”. “what’s a jail dad?” forgetting that when you speak aloud people may comment i said. “well, it’s a place that adults go when they do something wrong. it’s a place they have to stay. like when i tell you to go to your room after you pinch hazel.” “they have to stay there?” “yes” “are they in cages?” (no we do not have a cage in her room) “yes, well, kind of, they have to stay in rooms with bars.” “huh? but only animals stay in cages daddy – that’s silly” “well, when adults make bad choices and they break the rules sometimes they have to go to jail.”(get me out of this conversation). “but adults don’t do bad things daddy.” “hey look – that is the antique store i went to.” “oh, you like antique stores dad” “yes i do.” no need to get into our justice system right now – it may give her too many ideas. i can see her saying “i’m innocent until proven guilty”, “a look on my face would never stand up in court as evidence dad” and that she wants an attorney. i wonder what is going on in h.’s mind. she understands a ton, but is working on putting the words together to get her 2 cents in – i can’t even begin to think about how frustrated she must be listening to a. and i go back and forth all day. we all talk together for sure, but a. and i can talk with the best of them. i think that is where some of her squeezing and crazy clenched jaw-tongue behind the teeth faces come from.
change. there are changes that we embark on alone for personal growth, changes that we have no control over but need to embrace, and changes that we can only watch. we have all had to endure and elate at changes in our lives. not easy. it would seem that there would be more painful and more pleasant changes. not sure that’s true. each has brought it’s own set of emotions. watching the girls become their own will probably be the biggest test for r. and i. a beautifully scary transformation into self – and we have a part in it. i want to say more about this, but i’m losing my thoughts in images of the girls.
a great song that has meant a lot to me at different points in my life.
poor quality, but i had to include the one below as well. that is the daugher of shannon hoon – the deceased lead singer of blind melon.