this was written last night before bed. it seemed easier then than now

I remember sitting in a circle with my classmates in 1st grade. we were asked by our teacher to each identify an animal that had the same first letter as our name. anticipating the moment when i would have to share, then as now, my anxiety skyrocketed as to what my animal was. my mind was flying through alphabet picture board books. baboon? no that’s a b. think. think. um ant? is that an animal ? no insect. are insects animals? I started to ask myself so many questions i lost focus of the task. damn. andrew thompson took ant – my backup animal?. oh no, susan klum was right before me and said snake way too quick. my leg was dancing, heart pounding, fingers burning holes in my corduroys. aardvark. I exclaimed. and on to seth. poor guy. susan took snake. seth said snake anyway and didn’t think twice about it. I heard aardvark echo throughout the room until recess and felt the need to ask my classmates if that was an alright animal.

I’ve always needed reassurance. people to tell me that my actions were okay. plagued by self doubt and insecurities. we all are, but I’m trying to come to terms with it. this is a lesson my girls have taught me. my hang ups have to hit the coat rack. I can’t strip them of confidence by my lack of. tonight a. asked to go check out the neighbors sparklers. my “andy” brain wanted to say “we’re cool here looking at them” knowing small talk with parents was involved. instead I grabbed her hand and said okay. it was easy. I put myself where she needed me to be so she wouldn’t be worried about what her animal is. you bet I’ll prime her with aardvark on her first day of school. knowing a. she’ll say armadillo and offer to go first. h. may indulge her classmates in a little interpretive dance to guess her animal.

and now the redundancy department sponsored: looking at myself introspectively portion of this blog.
three years ago i started to try and turn self doubt and anxiety into questioning myself and awareness
questioning the whats? and whys? of me and being aware of the connections I see in others and the outside world – awakening my true nature and tapping into others. limitless possibilities exist when the doors of perception are opened. thank you mr. Huxley. though when I read his accounts I was more mesmerized by the use of hullucinagenics than the power of our minds to be unleashed by, well, the power of our minds.
maintaining a state of calm certitude (when you google “calm certitude” this is what comes up – weird) is a daunting, if not impossible task – death? but I’ll be damned if I’m going to stifle my growth by the ridicules notion that someone cares more about my answers than I do about my questions. I’m, as my brother reassured me, naturally curious about the world. kids by nature are the same. they, and us, get tricked/taught to walk lock step with most of society and believe that there is an order to be learned – not possibilities to be discovered. i will try to pass on the latter.
stepping down from the soap box and reaching inside for a new bar of dove. going to search for my cheering section. (
the weekend was relaxing and well spent. swimming, state parks, sparklers, and listening to a. talk endlessly about the pool girls. I think she thinks this group of girls lives at the pool. h. had a cricket in her room last night. daddy squashed that sucker – probably should have caught and released it so it could grow and someone else could catch it someday. sorry.

went to sci-quest today. more about that tomorrow.